A Back Issue

by ayallawt | May 23, 2012 8:55 am

I have not been sleeping on the job, if that’s what you’re thinking. I was, so to speak, lying on it. I am trying to find an elegant way to describe this but the last month of my life must have been the hardest and the most painful. I have survived two weeks of excruciating pain, three hospitalizations and one emergency major back surgery. How’s that for a cheerful, light topic for a post.

I had a classic case of neurologically compromised nerves, pressed on by a disc that disintegrated, all by itself, between the vertebrae of my back. Apparently my body-parts, as well as my children, have a mind of their own. I could have had a normal, garden variety herniated disc case. But nooooooooo, I had to have a case that puzzled even the cocky, self assured, grey haired head of the spine department and his “I’ve seen it all” staff.

I witnessed my own leg ceasing to function and the complete rebellion of my, sorry about the french, bladder. I have been in so much pain that four large paramedics had to carry me on a blanket to the ambulance. Twice. I’ve been fed amounts of morphine that could kill a horse.

When the doctors finally made up their minds, they made it in a hurry. Fifteen minutes after setting foot, sorry, being rolled in like a bag of potatoes into the spine department, I was ordered into fasting. One emergency surgery later, I woke up with a tube up my nose, a tube up my arm, a tube up my back and a tube up my…you do not want me to go there. Happily drowsy from the anesthesia, I notice that for the first time this month, I am not twisting in bed with pain.

Angels exist, it seems, in hospital wards and my angels took good care of me. I have been fed hospital food ad nauseam, with a side dish of very good intentions.

To sum things up, I am now sitting on a plush armchair, armed with a remote control, a walker, and all the amenities any self respecting grandma would have. On the bright side, I am not twisting in pain.

I wish I had a moral for this story, but I don’t. Sh*t happens, even to healthy thirty year olds. So take care of your backs, people. You only got one spine and take it from me, you do not want any screws in it. If you do get into trouble, try and have your mother around. In a situation like this, you really want your mommy.


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